It’s really easy for a relationship to become a battle of war between the two parties.
When one’s needs are not met by the other.
Doubts and fears surface, as if there’s no way out other than breaking up.
Think twice. Your relationship is really valuable, especially after you have been putting so much effort and time. Change your way of reacting to each other.
I speak from the point of view of women here.
I noticed that when I started to become demanding, manipulative (crying to make him feel guilty), absolute (using the words always and never), he disliked me. He became defensive and he didn’t want to be around me.
But when I started to calm my mind, started to use the word ‘I’, became totally honest about what I felt, he is after me so much without I am even asking for it.
These were the common accusations I used:
Case: On Saturday morning, he woke up pretty late. He took a shower and talked to me on skype for 10 minutes and he had to go with his friend to give his friend a school-drive.
me: I have been waiting for you since a few hours ago, just to talk to you, and now, you have to go. You don’t really want to talk to me huh? You should set your alarm earlier to get on skype if you know you re going out with your friend.
Disputing thought: By going out with his friend doesn’t mean that he doesn’t want to talk to me. Consider the situation when his friend asked him for help, would he say no to a friend who has been really nice to him. After all, he never forgets to send me tons of emails, isn’t that a sort of communication as well. Sure, he could have woken up earlier, but for someone who has been working all days in the week, what he wants to do is just to have a longer sleeping hours in the weekend. How I could force him to have a less rest after I know that he was really tired from working
I should say: Dami, I miss you so much, and I really want to talk to you, could you make the driving lesson shorter and later you talk to me?
When I said that, he wouldn’t feel that he is being attacked, instead he felt that he is asked for a help, and naturally people like to help.
The point is, instead of cornering him and blaming him, it’s better to be clear of what you want and to be concrete of what you want.
To be concrete I mean, instead of saying, ‘Listen to me’ (and he would think, I am listening, what are you asking me for more than these of my two ears), you should say, ‘Could you please stop watching videos and doing things with your computer for 10 min to listen to my story about my exam? Or if you are busy now, maybe later after your dinner time’. By saying this, I give him an option and it’s not a zero-sum game, it’s a compromise.
“God doesn’t give me a perfect partner who will always shower me with attention, but He gives me a man who makes me learn how to be understanding, accepting, loving and calm”
“My relationship is not perfect, we have our own battle and bitterness, we are still learning to love and coexist, but I’m really glad I found him, it’s unexplainable, but it’s life, it’s not perfect, and it doesn’t have to be perfect, make peace with it”
